There is a great little writing spot near Havermeyer Hall. It is a small vestibule with umbrellaed tables and stone steps that have a small balcony that overlooks Broadway. It is perfect on an early fall afternoon to just sit and enjoy the sunlight and breeze. I have a perfect vantage point to watch pedestrian traffic,the hustle-bustle of businessmen in crisp white collared shirts, the chaotic speeding students trying to find a path of least resistance as they battle a busy sidewalk, gripping their backpack straps with whitened knuckles and the blue haired lovely ladies of Morningside strolling along with their shopping carts filled with french bread and bouquets of flowers. It is peaceful from this birds-eye-view, the constant steady thrum of city life moving like well oiled gears to the symphony of taxi cab horns. This is my New York as I can best describe it.
There is a similar venue near Schermerhorn my building on campus, but it is always a bit on the crowded side. This little niche however, is just busy enough to attract one or two people, but quiet enough not to distract. Have I ever told you my building's motto? "Speak to the Earth and it Shall Teach Thee". We are the only building with a motto carved right above its great wooden doors. Speak to the Earth. It just hits somewhere deep and profound within me and makes everything I hope to do in life make sense somehow.
It was not an easy path that led me here. But after years of second guessing, I have found my purpose so clearly. I cannot even begin to relate how crazy people thought I was to turn down a posh Ivy law school because my heart just wasn't in it and I wasn't ready to take that next step and commit to that path in life. At times I even thought I was crazy myself, working 40+ hours a week at a job I abhorred. I am so thankful I did. Life has that way of eventually making sense out of everything.
A year ago today, at this very moment in time, I would be sitting on my lunch break, commiserating with co-workers about how much left I still felt I had to do. I had to believe that the best rewards come to those that push past the day to day securities, pick-up stakes and forge out on their own paths.
All I keep thinking of is a Duncan Sheik lyric - "Happiness ain't never what you think it should be..." Two years ago, I thought happiness would come from taking my LSATs and heading off to law school, more to fulfill my mother's dreams instead of my own. One year ago, I thought any sort of happiness was transient and hard to obtain. I thought it only happened to people who had the good fortune to know exactly the way their lives were supposed to play out from start to finish. I was sad, confused and anxious. I felt like life was passing me by and that I had missed some golden opportunity somewhere along the way. As if I had somehow cosmically screwed up my chances and failed to grasp that big brass ring in the sky. I knew somethings for certain though, I knew I wasn't happy. I knew I didn't want to be destined forever to work at an unfulfilling job, far from home and holding onto "someday". I used to say to my roommate all the time back then, "I am so tired of someday, I want something amazing right now." I just wish I would have figured out how to make that happen sooner.
Everyday I wake-up and breath in the sites and sounds of New York City and I am happy inside and out. I am restored. When I pack up my notebooks and catch the 1 train uptown, I am happy. I am thankful when I sit in class or in my apartment studying. I am more content then I ever though possible.
I spoke to the Earth, I prayed to the vast blue of the sky and I wished on every star I could see for 1,030 days, and when I was finally ready to listen, it taught me. It has taught me how when you stop holding on so tightly to all the "could of, would of and should of" thoughts and make the great leap of faith into the unknown, that life in all its mysteries will cast out a safety net. Possibilities will open up and the universe will provide exactly what you need, when you need it, and that if you ask for it and take the time to listen, it will come.
I regret nothing in my 23 years. I know that for every stumble and every obstacle, a lesson has been taught that has ultimately gotten me to where I am today. In high school, I learned determination. In undergrad I learned my limits and how to push through them. How to persevere despite how hard it may seem to get ahead. During my two years post-grad, I learned what I never wanted to become. That life's opportunities must be seized when presented to you. That a person is only as good as how they treat others, that there is value to humility and sometimes a person has to take the long way and take a few wrong turns before they ultimately realize what direction they want to go. If all of this had been easy, if all my stars had automatically aligned, I doubt I would be the same person that sits here now putting pen to paper.
My life thus far may not have led me to all the places I needed to go, but it got me to where I needed to be, and because of that - I can relish in these perfect sunny afternoons in my New York.
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